An abuse survivor strives to come to terms with her difficult past in this debut memoir. "A lounge lizard lived in my home, posing as my brilliant and fumbly dumbly father," recalls Deignan; she goes on to say that he sexually abused her between the ages of 4 and 11. Her mother, she writes, was aware of the abuse but overlooked it. She also relates that she was raped by an adult lead performer while attending a children's theatre school. Her dance career flourished after leaving that institution, as she joined dance companies in Chicago and New York, but she also relied on sex and drugs to dull her emotional pain. After becoming a mother, Deignan says she strived for "safety and normalcy" for her children, but she often faced chaos in her personal life. A bicycle accident at age 55 led her to reassess her past trauma, including her damaging relationship with her parents. Deignan's writing style is courageously confessional and creatively descriptive; as she recalls finding her grandfather's Playboy collection as a young girl, she writes, "A centerfold. Pointy hips on the left and right, a waistline you could wear as a bracelet; I flipped and folded, flipped and folded." Readers may find some moments in this book uncomfortable, but they serve to highlight the author's complex emotions. At times, Deignan's approach is rhythmically poetic: "Every day, I got high, sniff snow dust flake, 'feeling the love' deep into my skull." This style adds another layer to the narrative, as the author delves deeply into her past experiences in search of understanding. Readers who have experienced similar trauma will relate to Deignan's unsteadying description of her own journey. An elegantly written and harrowing remembrance of the long-lasting impact of childhood trauma.
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April 1, 2023
Deignan, a dancer and writer, reckons with the fallout of prolonged childhood sexual abuse by her father. It started when she was age four and lasted for seven years. Her ordeal was made all the more confusing by her mother's wordless acquiescence. The author is adept at chronicling the toll of internalized shame. When a trusted adult raped her when she was 14, she spun into years of bulimia, promiscuity, and substance abuse until she discovered dance. This enabled her to climb out of what she calls a "self-imposed darkness" and a "cage of hate." Marriage and motherhood provided ballast, at least temporarily. After a betrayal and painful divorce, Deignan struggled to balance a dancing career with single motherhood. She eventually remarried and expanded her family, and she also opened a dance studio. When she is sidelined by a bike accident, however, she is forced into a recovery that gives her the time and space to contemplate the scars her body carries, both physical and emotional. VERDICT This debut author's writing style, experimental and intimate, enables her to effectively put words to wounds that seem unspeakable. Memoir fans will find much to like in this one.--Barrie Olmstead
Copyright 2023 Library Journal, LLC Used with permission.
January 23, 2023
Deignan’s account of her life in Underwater Daughter draws readers in with the tragedies, triumphs, and traumas that she experienced in her childhood and early adulthood and weaves them into a story that is raw and meaningful. Deignan’s early adolescence was tangled in pain and confusion due to her father’s sexual abuse and her mother’s inaction, traumatic experiences that shaped her connection to her body and how she experienced intimacy. In her teen years, she endured rape and harassment as a dancer. In search of healing, Deignan sought out therapy with her parents, and eventually quit smoking and purging when she became pregnant with her first child. Deignan went on to have four other children before a tragic bike accident forever altered her mind and body. This accident forced Deignan to re-examine her life, ultimately leading to reconciliation with her mother and iterations of her past selves.
Written in rich, insightful prose, Underwater Daughter showcases hard-won self knowledge and wisdom, while inviting readers to feel Deignan’s wounds and joys. Though bitingly descriptive of the traumas that Deignan endured, the story also movingly recounts Deignan’s rebirth, especially as she built her life anew with her own children, “produc a new language, a template that enabled a different, improved telling of history.” Every word and detail has been chosen with clear care and intent.
The memoir opens with a wrenching story of disconnection between mind and body, a vital theme that recurs throughout, as she finds control of her body first through the art of dance, and then through the birthing of her children, and ultimately faces new challenges after the accident. It is through these wounds that she discovers that all of us “are keeping score, on our knees, on a scorecard,” with “trauma wisdom in our cells, in our bloodstreams, and in our precious hearts.” Underwater Daughter offers refuge for all who carry trauma in their bodies and seek rebirth, awareness, and hope.
Takeaway: Rich prose and healing truths distinguish this standout memoir of trauma and rebirth.
Great for fans of: Ocean Vuong’s On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous, Elizabeth Russell’s My Dark Vanessa.
Production grades
Cover: A
Design and typography: A
Illustrations: N/A
Editing: A
Marketing copy: A